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Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects: 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Match 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His 7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First. 8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire 11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up 12. Introduction to Parking 13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space 14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat 15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter 16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully 19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His 20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To 21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have 22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice 23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together 24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both 25. TV Remotes: For Men Only -------------------------- "World Ideologies Explained by Reference to Cows" - Rated PG FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: Your cows are cared for by former chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the rules say you should need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need." Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You take care of them but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market. PERESTROIKA: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market. CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbor decides who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. CAPITALISM: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral. PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price, or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you. ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. OLYMPICS-ISM: You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state-of-the-art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and saw its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million-dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant. LIMBAUGHISM: You used to have two cows. They may be dead; you don't know, because you can't smell them through the stench rising off your unwashed, 1,500-pound bulk. It's been six years since you could fit into the shower. You blame the entire situation on an evil government conspiracy, and click the remote to another talk show. X-FILES-ISM: Your two cows turn out to be the government. They milk YOU. You are saved by two generic bimbos, a female and a male with blow-dried hair, after (1) a car chase, involving UFOs, (2) a gunfight, and (3) a seance. The aliens get the advertising revenue after the Nielsens rise.
Washington engineering mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not Belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze." the student received the only "A" given. ---------------------- A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother. "Oh, mama,"
she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying.
"But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started
using the most horrible language. "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..." -------------------------- Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest shmucks get the most attractive wives." His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!" -------------------------- There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing. His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!" On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt." He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!" She replied, "Don't
be a baby, now come on kiss me." He began to cry,
"Oh no I'm going to die!!!" -------------------------- The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office." -------------------------- As cab drivers sometimes
do, the driver was darting in and out of heavy traffic
with complete abandon. After a few hair raising blocks,
his passenger leaned forward and "Scheesch lady," murmured the cabby, "you got six kids and ya got the nerve to tell ME to be careful?" -------------------------- Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago." A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. -------------------------- "Well, how was the
honeymoon?" asked the mother. "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..." Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, 'OOh dad, there's one.' 'No,' said the father. 'There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait.' Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, 'Hey dad, he's plenty big enough.' 'No,' the father said. 'We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait.' About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, 'Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her.' 'No,' said the father. 'We'll not eat her either.' 'Why not?' asked the son. 'Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother.' -------------------------- "Take a bunch of
flowers home for your wife, sir,"urged the street
vendor. -------------------------- A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the
one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "The textbooks? The
teachers? The curriculum?" -------------------------- "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess. I didn't go shopping. All the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all
that." -------------------------- A conversation heard at
a local pub: -------------------------- Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes." -------------------------- One day the Pope is
coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver,
'Why don't you let me drive for ones.' -------------------------- Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone. "Watt." -------------------------- The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company." "That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?" "I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my f**king advice, they'd let me know." -------------------------- Once, there was this
guy, who personally felt that he has committed lots of
sin and therefore decided to visit a church and confess
all of his sins. When he arrived at a church, he walked
to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I have sinned." "Yes son, just
tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive
you." "Father, I have a steady relationship
with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious
ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house;
nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone
and I slept with her." "That's bad my boy,
fortunately you realize your mistake." "Father,
last week I went to her office to look for her, but
nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I
slept with her too." "That's not very good of
you." "Father, last month, I went to her
uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except
for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ... Father?" suddenly this guy
realized that there was no response from the Father, he
walked over and discovered that the father was not there.
So he began searching for him. "Father? Where are
you?" He searched high and low, and finally he found
him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?" -------------------------- Four people are riding in a small passenger car compartment on a long train ride across the country. On one seat, a young, beautiful lady sits next to her grandmother. Across from them, an Army general sits next to his young lieutenant. The train enters a long, dark tunnel. Suddenly, in the darkness, there is the sound of a kiss followed by a slap! The train exits the tunnel and the four people in the passenger compartment look at each other. Without saying a word, each of them thinks they know what has just happened. The young lady is surprised, but very happy that the young lieutenant waited for an appropriate moment to kiss her, but she can't understand why her grandmother slapped him. The grandmother is shocked that the young lieutenant would try to kiss her granddaughter, but she is happy that her granddaughter slapped him. The General was pleased that his young lieutenant had waited for an appropriate moment to kiss the young lady because he could see they liked each other. However, he couldn't understand why the grandmother had slapped him. Meanwhile, the young lieutenant sat in his seat, feeling very good about himself. Not only had he found a way to kiss the pretty young lady sitting across from him, but he had also managed to slap his general at the same time! -------------------------- Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method. The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds! A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breath-a-lyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." |
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