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Just barely qualifies as a bar joke, but funny
This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys herand drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does. He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..." So he quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?" The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream." The man whispers back "no, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."The little boy answers "gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..." "I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream." "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..." The guy says "look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream." "Ok." So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. SO... Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike" "Sorry hon, I can't afford to buy you a bike." And the kid says "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars" She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?" "I'll never tell." "You BETTER tell me where you got that money." "I'll never tell." "You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does. SO... The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..." And the priest answers "now let's not start THAT shit again..."

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Watch where you crap
Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and went into the john while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender. All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the john. The drunk at the bar said to the bartender that it sounder like his partner screaming, so he went into the john to investigate. He went inside and asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said that everytime he flushed the toilet something reached up and squeezed his balls. His friend shook his head and said,"You dumbass, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"

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Price for love
A man walks into a bar and starts pouring down the beers. Burp. Having had one too many, the man was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe? You and me?" As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars." She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

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Cock a doodle do
A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple martini. The bartender says "What a coincidence, The only other person at the bar is that beautiful woman at the other end. She is also drinking triple martinis." After a few sips of his drink, the man walks up to the woman and says, "Isn't it a coincidence that we are both having the same drink." She replies "Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After 20 years of trying I am finally pregnant!" "What a coincidence," the man replied. "I am also celebrating. After years of experimenting, I have invented a multicolored chicken." At this, the woman asked "How did you ever accomplish that!?" "I had to try a lot of different cocks," he said. The woman replied "What a coincidence!!!!"

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Against the Law-yer
A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a beer", takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are assholes!" A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!" The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"